Dialogue. "Well, there's your problem!"

How many times do I have to read bad dialogue before they get it?  It's not that hard is it?  For real...it isn't that difficult, right?

Let me use some adjectives and phrases that I come up with when reading less than wonderful dialogue.

1)  "Stilted."  Most of the time this type of dialogue feels manufactured and out of place.  The speaking my be too formal for the setting.  Whatever the issue, the dialogue isn't coming out correctly.  
2)  "People don't talk like this to each other!"  I tend to find this when to friends are speaking to each other in the text.  Character A says, "Hey remember this?"  and then Character B responds by saying, "Yes, it was March 23, 2010 and the clouds hung low to the ground.  We were...."  Stop!!!!  Friends don't talk to each other in this manner.  They normally just hit the highlights.  If you want to tell the story, it is best told through the eyes of the narrator and not through dialogue.  The dialogue can help it along or maybe deliver the punchline but that should be it.
3)  "I never heard anyone say this in my life."  This does not apply to Science Fiction or interesting facts.  We have all read that line and it makes us stop and think, "I've never heard that before."  Can it be a good thing?  Sure, I guess in the right hands that can good.  But if I stop reading because you told me something so peculiar and out of place, it normally is a bad thing.
4)  "Why?"  What is the purpose of this conversation?  Where is it going?  Why are you putting me/reader through this?  Every piece of dialogue should be moving the story forward, adding tension, or have a definite point.  If you are wasting space with speaky speak with no reason the faster I want to put it down.
5)  "What is so wrong with 'said'?"  I don't know what a chortle actually is.  I get tired of all the fantasy words you substitute for said.  Can we make an agreement?  Said and asked should be used most of the time.  If you have done your dialogue correctly you should be able to go stretches without using either.  And not only that, as a reader, I still know who is talking.  Yeah, it can be done.
6)  "A. B. A. B. A. B."  What does that mean.  Character A speaks.  Character B says something.  Character A speaks again.  Character be says something again.  On and on and onto infinity.  I think this type of dialogue fits into category 1 and 2.  It's normally both stilted and not real.